The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
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And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”