Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
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I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Please do it!
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Probably my best painting.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…