If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
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If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress