me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
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I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Candles never taste the way they smell
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
That 👊
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.