(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
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Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Perfect.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Batman v Dracula
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume