Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
You Might Also Like
Phones down.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I beg your pardon?
This is what makes twitter great
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.