#Caturday
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You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him: