AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
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[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.