My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
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I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?