*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
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guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Your honor these allegations are
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.