[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
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The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️