How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
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Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”