Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
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“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.