If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
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I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Trumpy Cat
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming