JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
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Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.