dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
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You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises