[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
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This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
They did not think through this water fountain
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.