No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
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* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
thinking about a very short hotdog
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
The photographer’s assistant