As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
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just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before