I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
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*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Easy enough.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
What