Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
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reviewed some movies recently
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
“We will wed,” I threatened
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
rapatouille
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.