I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
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tis the season
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
couldn’t resist
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.