Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
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My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.