I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
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My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
this is so top tier i cant
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.