Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
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I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
There’s no “u” in narcissist
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I think I’ll stand
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?