I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
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“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Basketball
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
u guys got any snacks onboard here
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese