son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
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Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands