Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
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When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single