This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
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Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.