[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
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What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
selfie game
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
it must be school picture day
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”