This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
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Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Lmao 🤣
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Storm Tropical Storm
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.