EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
You Might Also Like
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”