The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
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my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]