I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
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*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
me and who
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*