[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
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(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
rapatouille
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
This anagram machine is out of order.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter