There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
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You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
#gardening
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
happy valentine’s day to me
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Yup
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.