ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
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Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
British websites use biscuits.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
shit just got real
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Finally, an explanation.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.