Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
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4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.