Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
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If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Dear Lord..
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.