BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
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Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
good work, detective
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life