Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
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ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door