If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
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I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.