Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
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Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
The Assassin.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014