Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
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Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
LOL
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.