*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
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How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
I am crying
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.