A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
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The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
🤣🤣🤣
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*