All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
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[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…