“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
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[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me