We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
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Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 馃槨
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
my first dose meeting my second
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schr枚dinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.