coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
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My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Me driving through Toronto